Wanted: Monster

monster 2The Parker Institute for Time Travel Studies (The PITTS), renowned throughout time and space as the penultimate college dedicated to finding those who are not lost or even confused or misplaced, is seeking a monster for an upcoming experiment in a basement laboratory.  The ideal candidate will be required to participate in a variety of scientific investigations including, but not limited to, the following:

  • Mind Transfer
  • Transmogrification into a Rat, Sewer
  • Transmogrification into a Bat, Vampire
  • Mopping Floors
  • Time Travel to 17th Century Transylvania
  • Getting Coffee for Mad Scientists
  • ESP
  • ESPN (for score reports, football season only)
  • Temporary Duty (TDY) to the Roswell Army Air Field, New Mexico, 1947
  • Crop Circle Creation
  • TDY to certain regions between Bermuda and Florida

Experience in medicine is a plus, especially familiarity with snake oil, leeches, eyes of newt, garlic, crucifixes, ice baths, opium, extortium, and powdered unicorn horns.

The term monster used in this advertisement may apply to any horrific carnivorous being, including extraterrestrials, mythological creatures, dinosaurs, giant insects, vermin, lycanthropes, golems, oozes, dire wolves, cockroaches and other aberrations of nature.

Salary remitted in stock options.

The PITTS is an equal opportunity employer.

Copyright © 2013

Job Opening: Mad Scientist

Job Opening: Mad Scientist

Need Date: Immediate

Salary: Back-adjusted to late 1940s deflation

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Location: Roswell, NM

mad scientist 3The Parker Inverted Time Travel  Syndicate (The PITTS) has an immediate and insatiable need for a senior-level scientist with advanced attention deficit disorder and limited team building skills (hereafter: “Mad Scientist”) to serve as the Chief Chronology Officer (CCO) for development of new time travel technology.  The ideal candidate will have disheveled white hair, a doctorate from a Prussian university, familiarity with the Roswell Army Air Field (frequent travel to 1947 required), and the inability to read key social cues.  He or she must be proficient with the following devices:

  • Rotary telephones
  • Teletype machines
  • Telegraph transmitters
  • Vacuum-tube radios and television sets
  • Slide rules
  • French Curves
  • Jacob’s ladders
  • Test tubes
  • 78 rpm record players
  • Typewriters
  • Reel-to-reel tape recorders
  • Manual homemade ice cream makers (it’s hot in Roswell)
  • Pocket protectors
  • Wellsian time machines

The Mad Scientist’s bona fides must include contributions to one (or more) of the following patented inventions, copyrighted material, or commercial products:

  • Stone-hewn labyrinths
  • Telepathic hair dryers
  • Anti-tornado sprays
  • Cures for nasopharyngitis, rhinopharyngitis, and/or acute coryza
  • Viagra
  • Self-loading dishwashers
  • Toxic boxing gloves
  • Eloi stew
  • Remote control golf balls
  • Corn cob flatteners
  • Butter softeners
  • Stool softeners
  • Cat constipation pills
  • Tin can telephone switchboards
  • Telescoping taco shells
  • Icicle daggers
  • The Time Machine

Mad Scientists will be expected to keep thorough journals (written in mirror-image English), possess numerous housecats, have had one life-threatening experience with explosives, and understand how to pronounce “giga.”  Candidates will supply their own decoder ring, lab coat, FBI case file, ray gun, violin, pipe, tobacco, tin foil hat, and cadaver.  The ideal candidate will also have a granddaughter who’s recently won a statewide or nationally-competitive beauty pageant (Note: Granddaughter may not be the cadaver).

Large, bulging eyes caused by a thyroid disorder are desirable but not required due to 2012 American HiPPA regulations.  The PITTS will work with the candidate to improve eye-bulging techniques as a means to maintain certain levels of morale.  A shaggy dog is desired but not required.

Note: The Mad Scientist should not be able to understand any post-1950s’ technology, meaning that all electronic applications will be rejected forthwith and nevermore.

The PITTS is an equal opportunity employer registered with the American Scientific Society for Hazardous Advanced Time Travel (ASS-HATT).

If interested, please apply via United States Postal Service at this address: _________.

Please note our other current openings.  Full descriptions are available for persons sending a self-addressed stamped envelop, six Kellogg’s Corn Flakes’ box tops and a fifth of whiskey to the address shown above.

  • Laundry Sock Investigator
  • Eyeglasses Windshield Wiper Technician
  • Invisible Man
  • Icicle Dagger Quality Control

Thank you for your interest in The PITTS.

Text copyright © 2012 Alan Keith Parker, All Rights Reserved

Clipart used royalty free Copyright © 2012 Vecto.rs, All Rights Reserved