mad scientist – KeithParker.org

The Parker Institute for Time Travel Studies (The PITTS), renowned throughout time and space as the penultimate college dedicated to finding those who are not lost or even confused or misplaced, is seeking a monster for an upcoming experiment in a basement laboratory. The ideal candidate will be required to participate in a variety of scientific investigations including, but not limited to, the following:

Mind Transfer
Transmogrification into a Rat, Sewer
Transmogrification into a Bat, Vampire
Mopping Floors
Time Travel to 17th Century Transylvania
Getting Coffee for Mad Scientists
ESP
ESPN (for score reports, football season only)
Temporary Duty (TDY) to the Roswell Army Air Field, New Mexico, 1947
Crop Circle Creation
TDY to certain regions between Bermuda and Florida

Experience in medicine is a plus, especially familiarity with snake oil, leeches, eyes of newt, garlic, crucifixes, ice baths, opium, extortium, and powdered unicorn horns.

The term monster used in this advertisement may apply to any horrific carnivorous being, including extraterrestrials, mythological creatures, dinosaurs, giant insects, vermin, lycanthropes, golems, oozes, dire wolves, cockroaches and other aberrations of nature.

Salary remitted in stock options.

The PITTS is an equal opportunity employer.

Job Opening: Mad Scientist

Need Date: Immediate

Salary: Back-adjusted to late 1940s deflation

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Location: Roswell, NM

mad scientist 3 The Parker Inverted Time Travel Syndicate (The PITTS) has an immediate and insatiable need for a senior-level scientist with advanced attention deficit disorder and limited team building skills (hereafter: “Mad Scientist”) to serve as the Chief Chronology Officer (CCO) for development of new time travel technology. The ideal candidate will have disheveled white hair, a doctorate from a Prussian university, familiarity with the Roswell Army Air Field (frequent travel to 1947 required), and the inability to read key social cues. He or she must be proficient with the following devices:

Rotary telephones
Teletype machines
Telegraph transmitters
Vacuum-tube radios and television sets
Slide rules
French Curves
Jacob’s ladders
Test tubes
78 rpm record players
Typewriters
Reel-to-reel tape recorders
Manual homemade ice cream makers (it’s hot in Roswell)
Pocket protectors
Wellsian time machines

The Mad Scientist’s bona fides must include contributions to one (or more) of the following patented inventions, copyrighted material, or commercial products:

Stone-hewn labyrinths
Telepathic hair dryers
Anti-tornado sprays
Cures for nasopharyngitis, rhinopharyngitis, and/or acute coryza
Viagra
Self-loading dishwashers
Toxic boxing gloves
Eloi stew
Remote control golf balls
Corn cob flatteners
Butter softeners
Stool softeners
Cat constipation pills
Tin can telephone switchboards
Telescoping taco shells
Icicle daggers
The Time Machine

Mad Scientists will be expected to keep thorough journals (written in mirror-image English), possess numerous housecats, have had one life-threatening experience with explosives, and understand how to pronounce “giga.” Candidates will supply their own decoder ring, lab coat, FBI case file, ray gun, violin, pipe, tobacco, tin foil hat, and cadaver. The ideal candidate will also have a granddaughter who’s recently won a statewide or nationally-competitive beauty pageant (Note: Granddaughter may not be the cadaver).

Large, bulging eyes caused by a thyroid disorder are desirable but not required due to 2012 American HiPPA regulations. The PITTS will work with the candidate to improve eye-bulging techniques as a means to maintain certain levels of morale. A shaggy dog is desired but not required.

Note: The Mad Scientist should not be able to understand any post-1950s’ technology, meaning that all electronic applications will be rejected forthwith and nevermore.

The PITTS is an equal opportunity employer registered with the American Scientific Society for Hazardous Advanced Time Travel (ASS-HATT).

If interested, please apply via United States Postal Service at this address: _________.

Please note our other current openings. Full descriptions are available for persons sending a self-addressed stamped envelop, six Kellogg’s Corn Flakes’ box tops and a fifth of whiskey to the address shown above.