PRESS RELEASE, Trenzalore (14th August) — The Parker Institute for Time Travel Studies (The PITTS) has annouced that it will delay publication of the next issue of its popular Fish and TARDIS Sauce (FATS) newsletter until the staff’s mass lethargy has worn off.  The sadness, first reported in the month following Matt Smith’s retirement from the BBC’s Doctor Who, seems to have become a deep-seated melancholy that has caused FATS employees to seek solace by playing music of Karen Carpenter while sharing Grumpy Cat photos on Facebook.  The PITTS seeks to reassure all employees of its sister organization, and let them know the company’s health care plan will provide counseling, doctor recommendations, and whiskey as needed for self-medication.

Placid Savage, spokeswoman for The PITTS, said the current sadness is not unlike the anguish, grief, and heartache that can be seen on any sensible synonym search for words like sadness.  Savage, in a moment of unusual candor, rebuffed a reporter’s suggestion that running her operation from a graveyard at the end of time might be contributing to low employee morale.  She shrugged. “I don’t know.  Who give a shit?”

This prompted Herb Wells, Chief Technology Officer for Steampunk Technology, to later tweet:

  • The fucking 70s were happier than this! #disco #MoralEquivalentofWar

Wells has been suspended without pay pending a formal review of his communication skills.  He was last seen in College Station, Texas.

Meanwhile, The PITTS cancelled its 2014 plans to test the grandfather paradox and Shrödinger’s Cat experiment until the Institute has had time to consult with Peter Capaldi and Stephen Moffat.

At the time they went to press The PITTS’ calls to Kurt Cobain had gone unanswered.  The PITTS also reached out to Joplain and Morrison, but results have been a real letdown.

Until next time … if there is a next time … peace from Eeyore Keith

Copyright © 2013 Keith Parker.

3 thoughts on “Bummed

  1. Herr Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus
    Schwarzeste Wald

    Alan Keith Parker
    The Parker Inverted Time Travel Syndicate (The PITTS)
    Roswell, NM
    Die Vereinigten Staaten von Amerika

    Schwarzeste Wald, den Verschiedene

    Sehr geehrter Herr Alan Keith Parker,

    It is with the greatest of sadness I heard about the extreme sadness in your PITTS and your FATS. Perhaps it is of an uplifting thought to you that I say that the old adage of Life Being Change may be of help to you. I know that when I am so despondent as to be very sad, I go to my laboratory with my Igor and change the Life, I am so happy when I have finished. It is simply amazing to me what Changes I can make to Life in my laboratory, in particular if there is a very nice lightning storm to help me in my modest endeavours.

    May I add that while Nirvana may at times me acceptable in times of grief, grumpy cat photographs are proven to cause terminal psychosis, and so are most strongly not recommended.

    That Frau Savage has a location at a graveyard at the end of Time is most excellent – I am sure she can find the most excellent specimens there to begin Changing Life.

    Hoping that you can soon head down to your laboratory to Change Life and so to be much happier. If you require an Igor, please feel free to use my standing account at IGORS ARE WE, for the use of up to five Igors for the period of six months, gratis.

    Mit freundlichen Gussen,

    Herr Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus

    ps I think you are not able to reach Herr Cobain, as he is currently serving body and soul, as a Zombie in Haiti and as a Shaman’s Guide in Outer Mongolia.


    1. Thank you so much, and I am really glad to have cheered you up. I thoroughly enjoy your posts. I now get them delivered to my email, so I can read them as you put them out. You write really good stuff!

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