Job Opening: Mad Scientist

Job Opening: Mad Scientist

Need Date: Immediate

Salary: Back-adjusted to late 1940s deflation

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Location: Roswell, NM

mad scientist 3The Parker Inverted Time Travel  Syndicate (The PITTS) has an immediate and insatiable need for a senior-level scientist with advanced attention deficit disorder and limited team building skills (hereafter: “Mad Scientist”) to serve as the Chief Chronology Officer (CCO) for development of new time travel technology.  The ideal candidate will have disheveled white hair, a doctorate from a Prussian university, familiarity with the Roswell Army Air Field (frequent travel to 1947 required), and the inability to read key social cues.  He or she must be proficient with the following devices:

  • Rotary telephones
  • Teletype machines
  • Telegraph transmitters
  • Vacuum-tube radios and television sets
  • Slide rules
  • French Curves
  • Jacob’s ladders
  • Test tubes
  • 78 rpm record players
  • Typewriters
  • Reel-to-reel tape recorders
  • Manual homemade ice cream makers (it’s hot in Roswell)
  • Pocket protectors
  • Wellsian time machines

The Mad Scientist’s bona fides must include contributions to one (or more) of the following patented inventions, copyrighted material, or commercial products:

  • Stone-hewn labyrinths
  • Telepathic hair dryers
  • Anti-tornado sprays
  • Cures for nasopharyngitis, rhinopharyngitis, and/or acute coryza
  • Viagra
  • Self-loading dishwashers
  • Toxic boxing gloves
  • Eloi stew
  • Remote control golf balls
  • Corn cob flatteners
  • Butter softeners
  • Stool softeners
  • Cat constipation pills
  • Tin can telephone switchboards
  • Telescoping taco shells
  • Icicle daggers
  • The Time Machine

Mad Scientists will be expected to keep thorough journals (written in mirror-image English), possess numerous housecats, have had one life-threatening experience with explosives, and understand how to pronounce “giga.”  Candidates will supply their own decoder ring, lab coat, FBI case file, ray gun, violin, pipe, tobacco, tin foil hat, and cadaver.  The ideal candidate will also have a granddaughter who’s recently won a statewide or nationally-competitive beauty pageant (Note: Granddaughter may not be the cadaver).

Large, bulging eyes caused by a thyroid disorder are desirable but not required due to 2012 American HiPPA regulations.  The PITTS will work with the candidate to improve eye-bulging techniques as a means to maintain certain levels of morale.  A shaggy dog is desired but not required.

Note: The Mad Scientist should not be able to understand any post-1950s’ technology, meaning that all electronic applications will be rejected forthwith and nevermore.

The PITTS is an equal opportunity employer registered with the American Scientific Society for Hazardous Advanced Time Travel (ASS-HATT).

If interested, please apply via United States Postal Service at this address: _________.

Please note our other current openings.  Full descriptions are available for persons sending a self-addressed stamped envelop, six Kellogg’s Corn Flakes’ box tops and a fifth of whiskey to the address shown above.

  • Laundry Sock Investigator
  • Eyeglasses Windshield Wiper Technician
  • Invisible Man
  • Icicle Dagger Quality Control

Thank you for your interest in The PITTS.

Text copyright © 2012 Alan Keith Parker, All Rights Reserved

Clipart used royalty free Copyright © 2012, All Rights Reserved

8 thoughts on “Job Opening: Mad Scientist

  1. Herr Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus
    Schwarzeste Wald

    Alan Keith Parker
    The Parker Inverted Time Travel Syndicate (The PITTS)
    Roswell, NM
    Die Vereinigten Staaten von Amerika

    Schwarzeste Wald, den Verschiedene

    Sehr geehrter Herr Alan Keith Parker,

    I am applying for the position of Chief Chronology Officer, or “Mad Scientist,” as advertised in the notice you placed in the Beschaftigung angeboten section of Extreme Experimental Scientist Quarterly.

    I believe myself to be supremely qualified for this position, due to my extreme and extensive knowledge of time travel, having done it all my lives.

    I hold a multitude of degrees, one of which is from Hoseentfernt Universitat, which used to be located in Prussia. It is now, regrettably a crater. I also possess your requested messed white hair, except in the dark, when it is glowing green. More of this below. I am proficient in the usage of all the devices mentioned in your offer, and hold current certification for all.

    As to the requirements of Echtheit for the inventions, and so forth, I find that a large sledgehammer will flatten corn cobs, soften butter and stools, and will constipate cats if you can hit them hard enough. I can be a self-loading dishwasher, given enough fine whiskey, and I am also famous for my truly Epicurean Brazed Eloi Goulash, taught to me by Rudolph, Holy Roman Emperor. I can also modestly claim to make an excellent Pizzicato, the size of which depends on the size and variety of the cat.

    I of course keep the most meticulous journals written in Igor blood, although I know not what this is of a mirror that you write. At any given time, I have had at least eight previous house cats, with a ninth nervously existing. I have my Igor tattoo the cat’s life on its abdomen in order to remind it. I was at the epicentre of the Trinity Project, and received a sunburn there, hence the glowing hair mentioned above. In fact, I provide myself a light source at night, which saves on costs. It was at this Trinity joke that I had a small fallings-out with Herr Doktor Oppenheimer about the fall out. I wanted more. As to my pronunciation, of course, I know how to pronounce it, this “giga.” For example, in a sentence, I shall say, “Herr Doktor gigalled insanely.” I have a de-odor ring, which I invented, a Lab skin coat, an FBI in a case (J. Edgar Hoover), a 2000 GW Lightning Cannon, I expertly play the theremin, I have several lengths of pipe with which to beat my Igor, genetically modified experimental tobacco plants to keep down the vermin problem, an aluminum foil hat (cheaper and more effective than tin), and a cadaver (see above). I do not have a granddaughter, but I do have Miss Transylvania, 1863. I do not have a shaggy dog, but I do have a dead parrot. I eschew any modern technology and am having my Igor write this from his UNIVAC.

    I am a dedicated, life-long scientist and researcher who likes nothing more than to know the unknown and to explore the unexplorable, no matter at what cost to others, particularly if I am able to do this while playing my Grand Organ during a particularly violent lightning storm, with Igor pumping away at the bellows.

    I can provide my own Igor, and have standing account with IGORS ARE WE.

    My particulars follow by Igor.

    Mit freundlichen Gussen,

    Herr Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus

    1. Herr Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus,

      Your application is currently under review by our Human Resources Department, our Personnel Department, and Our Department of Redundancy Department. Your experience at Trinity mirrors our own three experiences there, and the fall out with and around Doktor Oppenheimer is quite a credit to your very, very, very long career.

      The cadaver of Director Hoover is a worthwhile addition to your portfolio, though we had hoped for Jimmy Hoffa. Emilia Earheart would be an acceptable corpse as well. A combination of the three would be ideal.

      Members of our Syndicate will be in touch soon, via cable and telephone, from 1871 and 1955, respectively. The former will be from a man near to your heart as a fellow Prussian. The latter will be voice call from a Herr Doktor Brown.

      We are, most sincerely yours, in The PITTS.

      P.S. It has been our experience that tropical birds often feign death pining for the fjords.

  2. Dear Herr Alan Keith Parker,

    I must make a minor clarifications regarding my cover letter to the employment offer I responded to in Extreme Experimental Scientist Quarterly for the Stellung of Chief Chronology Officer.

    I regret that I have written to you that my parrot was dead. In your wisdom, you suggested that it was not so, and you have proven to be correct. Zie verdammt gottverlassenen Arschloch Papagei was only resting, after receiving a massive dose of gamma radiation. It awoke, enraged, and ate my Igor. But have no worries, Dear Herr Alan Keith Parker, as I will be receiving a replacement Igor very shortly from IGORS ARE WE. Also, Herr Hoover is merely a cadaver at present. If there is no objection, I was planning to re-animate him. From what I remember of Herr Hoover in real life, no difference should be noted.

    To replace Herr Hoover, I have made Frau Earheart a corpse, and Herr Hoffa’s state I have left as undetermined, until it is to be determined. As a secondary effect, I have also retrieved Elvis. As is said so well in the English language, “shit happens.”

    Also, I have a dear, semi-retired friend, Herr Doktor Friedrich Stein of Muenster, who invented the infamous Man-Absorbing Cheese (bacteria work only slowly), who is interested in a part-time position. May he also forward an application to your organization, The PITTS?

    I look forward to past, present and future communication with your Unternehmen.

    Mit herzlichem Dank,

    Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus

      7 May 1915 STOP

      Dear Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus STOP

      Message received STOP
      Temporal incursion resulted in top executives voyage aboard ocean liner STOP
      Will pull into port Prince’s Landing Stage Liverpool STOP
      Will take train to London STOP
      Recommend interview location STOP
      Thames Imperial Time Society (TITS) STOP
      Suggest bringing gas mask STOP
      Elvis on board STOP
      Earheart on passenger roster but not confirmed STOP
      Baggage compartment contains parrots destined for Norway STOP
      Please remit availability for appointment STOP
      U-boat activity minimal STOP
      Clear sailing ahead STOP


    Date: Verschiedene

    Dear Herr Alan Keith Parker

    Am currently aboard neutral ship SS Elritze

    Will attempt to intercept RMS Lusitania with your agents aboard

    If fail to do so, may be sent to another era

    If fail to intercept yr agents and am sent to other era, will contact you via M. D’ Orlean of la Societe de Certification Relativistique et l’Analyse Periodique

    Have Fat Elvis which Elvis aboard Lusitania

    Do not wish temporal mischance re Elvis

    Available for appointment at any time

    Place may be problematic as TITS may not not yet exist or may be future Time Watch and Annulment Temporal Service

    Look forward backward sideways to meeting your agents


    1. From:
      To: Herr Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Doktor Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus
      Date: 01 August 1991

      The Lusitania sank. TITS was no help (they’re dualists), but H.G. was on board (who knew?) and was able to get us out in time. Unfortunately, we’re now stuck in the Soviet Union. The military has Gorbachev holed up in his house and are attempting to re-create authoritarian rule. I have a feeling it’s going to work this time. They seem hell-bent on keeping a strangle-hold on the old Empire plus Eastern Europe. Faxes tell me that people are evacuating through Berlin. The situation is critical.

      We’re trying to book passage on Aeroflot to Tunguska. The hold up is a dark-haired Georgian named Элвис Пресли. For a pair of American blue suede shoes he informed us the KGB still have a working time machine there. This is needed since Herbert left us even though we took the handle to his device (he had a spare). On the way we’ll pick up the remains of the Czar and his family, if possible.

      If, after seeing this electronic mail, and understanding the dangers involved you still want to apply then ………


  4. Jean-Sartre d’Orlean
    Directeur, Societe de la Certification Relatavistique et l’Analyse Periodique
    314 rue Changement

    Monsieur Alan Keith Parker
    Adresse inconnue (Croit etre dans l’ ex-URSS/le sera bientot CEI, dans le lieu de Tunguska)

    Dates Diverses

    Monsieur Alan Keith Parker,

    As expressed to you in his Igor Temporal Transmission to You, M. Parker, my Client, of whom I am the agent of in this cycle and milieu, M. le docteur Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus, if sent to another era due to mischance, I would be the contact should and unfortunate happenstance occur.

    I most deeply regret to inform you, that my Client in this cycle and milieu, M. le docteur Verrucktwieeinscheisshaltunghattus, has been sent to the Paleogene era, it is believed. Every effort to return him, and should it be convenient, his Igor, is being made to return him to this milieu. I shall be in contact with you with greater details, once I am in greater cognizance of both my Client’s Time, Whereabouts, Cycle and Milieu, as well as with your Particulars in your particular circumstances.

    Should you have any certain requests for informations regarding my Client or in regards to your Situation, please feel it to be of no obligation for you to contact myself or this Agence, as my Client has an open account with us.

    If I may be so free as to advise you of the political situation in your time-line, relative temporary stability for some years will happen under the general overall auspices M. Yeltsin. Hard currencies, such as the American Dollar of the era, or the Deutschemark of the Bundesrepublik Deutschland, or even such commodities as original American-produced Marlborough cigarettes, either in individual sealed-in-cellophane paquette, or for larger transaction, the carton are appropriate. Camel cigarettes are also accepted. The situation is barter. Extreme care should be made if changing money. The official exchange rate for a hard currency in official institutions is abysmal, and in some cases not secure. If exchange is made with an illegal vendor, greatest care must be taken that one is receiving the proper currency of the time, as well as with not counterfait banknotes. If caught by Authorities, such transactions are severely punishable. Fortunately, corruption is endemic, and officials may be bribed with relative ease, if done discretely. Be warned that the area you are travelling to is considered a backwater. Services, with the right guide, should be obtainable, and the local Aeroflot agents, if approached with the proper bribe ought to be able to put you into placement with the local individuals to aid you. IN NO CIRCUMSTANCE SEEK AID FROM LOCAL POLICE, ARMY, etc,

    Please do not hesitate to contact me if you are able for what limited help I can give you. I must warn you in good faith, that you are going into what was in your United States “the Wild West.”

    With my most deepest regards,
    Jean-Sartre d’Orlean
    Directeur, Societe de la Certification Relatavistique et l’Analyse Periodique

  5. Pingback: She’s Just So Darn Cute | Keith Parker, a dot-net Novelist

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